Hi, it’s me again. And yes, it’s been a while. (And yes, it is weird for me to talk about my feelings as I am the type of person that will ignore feelings are they aren’t ‘useful’. However I thought it’d be good to jot them down here to declutter my brain and release my mind of somewhat stress.)
I often find myself getting stuck in ruts periodically but I think feeling disconnected is only natural. Life ebbs and flows.
The problem is not letting my feelings get in the way way of what I need to accomplish or do. Sometimes I let my mood dictate what I do – and that’s not good.
Why I feel bad
I haven’t uploaded since last week and I feel so bad about it. Since I’ve come to Hong Kong I’ve only uploaded the Causeway Bay vlog and the initial arriving to HK video. I’ve been filming lots and lots but haven’t got around to editing it all. I was meant to upload 2-3 videos per week but haven’t been disciplined enough to do so. Just been spending time with family here and just going with the flow but not taking control of my own life and schedule.
But what if I just don’t feel like it? Well tough you might say (but that wouldn’t be an empathetic thing to say would it ha)
It’s a cycle
Through my bouts of demotivation I’ve noticed that there’s a pattern that reoccurs. A feeling of emptiness washes over me in waves and consumes me. A feeling of hollowness inside. A lack of purpose, a lack of connection with the world, the feeling of being disconnected.
I wouldn’t say feeling disconnected is linked to loneliness but then again maybe it is. I’m not quite sure. I just feel like an outsider, a lot.
And every time this happens, I end up emotional binge eating (lately not so much), staying in bed until late hours of the day, watching of crap tv, as if I am desperately trying to find some meaning or purpose in life through mindless activities.
But I never find a purpose that way, yet I still do the same thing repeatedly. I guess I never learn do I? But how do I stop feeling disconnected?
In the end the only way I climb out of that rut is by being so disgusted at myself for being so lazy that I decide enough is enough. Or yet, the emotional support and strength someone else gives me pushes me forward and motivates me to do something.
So why is today different?
The reason why I’m actually writing this outpour of brain stuff is because I actually woke up early for once! I am actually so proud of myself 😀
I’ve been to Hong Kong for 1 month and I’ve had a really messed up sleeping pattern, plus I didn’t actually end up getting sleep one whole night either but that’s for another blog post.
My sleeping pattern has consisted of me living in the UK time zone, as I explain in my latest video. So that basically meant be sleeping at 7am HK time (11pm UK time) and waking up at 3pm HK time (7am UK time).
You see if I was living in UK, I’d be really good cos waking up at 7am is ace for getting stuff done. Except I was in the wrong time zone yep.
The (temporarily) unfortunate situation today
So I woke up at 9am today and got out of the house before 12pm only to find that the library was closed…until 1pm. Today it’s open from 1pm-9pm.
Got here at 11ish and was going to head to a cafe but I can’t be bothered haha. Well it’s more of the fact that I’m gonna have to pay too. The fact that I don’t have an ongoing income means that it’s best to save money whilst I can.
I mean it’s also different here too. The substitution effect is higher. A cup of coffee costs more than a bowl of noodles… In fact twice as much. Starbucks venti frappuccino is like $50 and a bowl of wonton noodles down the street is only $25. Which would you prefer to get? You can already guess mine.
It’s currently 12:30, so 30 minutes to go.
Things never seemed to fit anyway…
I remember several instances when I was younger of feeling so detached. I supposedly shouldn’t have felt that way. I was surrounded by family, by friends yet it just somehow didn’t fit. Things just didn’t fit.
The way I saw the world was different. Thinking about this retrospectively, I can associate my feeling of emptiness with Victor Frankl’s theory of logo therapy.
As humans, we yearn to find a purpose in life to fulfill our existential self. Without a meaning in life there is no reason to live. More specifically, the human soul cannot rest. Inner turmoil and conflict ensues as a result.
This leads me onto the purpose of this blog/vlog, Sweet and Sour Adventures and my YouTube.
When I film videos and YouTube, everything that I just wrote about magically disappears. That is to say, there is no feeling of emptiness anymore.
I feel rooted and connected with the world.
I am no longer feeling disconnected.
I feel elevated and happy.
The only thing is that I can put a lot of pressure on myself. Perfection kills creativity. And that’s when I start getting in a rut again.
Other people may find purpose also through creating but also other things such as family, giving, sharing.
Too often than not I find people seeking meaning through means of material possessions: money, shopping, superficial things. Whilst it appear to seem like any of way of finding a meaning, it is only temporary and can often exacerbate the feeling of emptiness. The same goes for how I binge eat to find meaning when I’m stuck in a rut – it’s temporary and when I finish eating, I often feel even worse.
For those of you that know me, you will know that I have lost weight over the past couple of years and I whilst I say that I emotionally binge eat when I am stuck in a rut, it is way less that it used to be in portion and frequency.
I have been binge eating less and less since 2 years ago, since the time I began to discover my passion for creating videos and editing them. Coincidence? I think not.
I am learning to deal with my emotions and thoughts, rather than listening to them. They are not the enemy, as long as you can control them (through meditation).
As such, eating whilst you’re feeling down or feeling stressed isn’t the right way.
Food is food. It cannot give you fulfilment in life. That you have to find yourself. And that’s one of the hardest tasks you’ll ever give yourself.
What gives your life meaning?
Life is a journey of self discovery. You are constantly in search of yourself, forever changing, forever growing.
To become more self aware, I suggest that you begin taking a personality test called the Myers briggs test. It tells you ‘your’ strengths and weaknesses, ‘your’ hobbies and ideal careers, all to be taken with a pinch of salt of course. Then read your results, analyse and reflect upon your personality.
Take it a couple of times to get the best result. Take different ones too.
The best remedy however is to travel. Travelling feeds the soul with more food than you could ever get by staying in the same place.
It not only moves you to somewhere else physically but metaphorically, sending you on your way to your journey of self discovery.
Which is why I love travelling so much and why I like to film videos, about travel.
The practical stuff: how I actually got off my ass this morning and stopped feeling disconnected
- Set my alarm on my phone at a reasonable time – 9am. My ideal time is to wake up at 6am but it’s not realistic because I’m definitely way too tired to get up then and will always fall back asleep. 9am is reasonable because I’ve had about 7 hours sleep.
- Put my phone far away from my bed to prevent myself from just snoozing and going back to bed.
- Forcing myself to do meditation as soon as I switched off my alarm, to stop myself from falling asleep. Although sometimes I do fall asleep during meditation, lol.
- Had an okay nights sleep, wasn’t in that much of a deep sleep thanks to my sister kicking and scratching me with her toenails. No seriously thanks haha that allowed me to wake up this morning. Tip: share a bed with someone else 😉
Do you have any tips to share?
Suggested: STUCK IN A RUT // 7 WAYS TO GET UNSTUCK